Cell phones and the Two-Way Street of Trust

The new issue of Parenting arrived in the office yesterday and as I browsed through, I noticed the results of a reader poll the magazine had done: "Is it okay for kids under 12 to have cell phones?"

On the "yes" side, one reader had written that her children know the three specific circumstances under which they may use their phones and they don't use them otherwise. On the "no" side, another reader wrote that kids "can't be trusted" with cell phones. She didn't specifically say her kids couldn't be trusted, so it sounded like she meant any kid under 12.

I wondered if this second mother had really thought about whether children are trustworthy--with cell phones or anything else. It seemed as if she had made up her mind about what kids can and can't do, without testing her opinions.

Later, I thought about how the phrase, "can't be trusted" says just as much about the person using those words as it says about the person from whom the trust is being withheld. We speak of "earning" someone's trust, as if one person is doing all the work, but really it's a two-person job. Sometimes it takes effort--or maybe vulnerability--to trust even a sure bet. It's possible that if parents think they can't trust their children, the problem is with them rather than the kids.

I like the attitude of the first mom. She recognized what a useful tool a child's mobile phone can be for a family. The parents and children obviously worked together to create a two-way street of trust regarding its use.

That's why I like Growing Up Online columnist Carolyn Jabs so much. She frequently addresses the issue of trust between parents and children as it relates to technology, and her general attitude is that trust is not a hands-off stance. Knowledge about the technology young people use (or want to use), combined with open communication between parent and child about limits, creates trusting and trustworthy people.

Even though I used to feel in my heart that Emily is too young for a cell phone (what's next--high school? driver's license? voting rights? wait, stop growing up!!) after reading this woman's remark, I'm ready to weigh the pros and cons for our family's situation.